Bereavement

People grieve in order to accept a deep loss and carry on with their life. Experts believe that if you do not grieve at the time of death, or shortly after, the grief may stay bottled up inside you and this could cause emotional problems or physical illness later on. Working through your grief can be a painful process, but it is necessary to ensure your future emotional and physical well-being.

The stages of grief

There is no right way to grieve, everyone is different and each person grieves in his or her own way. However, some stages of grief are commonly experienced by people when they are bereaved. There is no timescale for these stages to be reached, but it can be helpful to be aware of the stages and to understand that intense emotions and swift changes in mood are normal.

Feeling emotionally numb is often the first reaction to a loss, this numbness helps you get through the practical arrangements, but if this phase goes on too long it could be a problem.

The numbness may be replaced by a deep feeling of missing the person who has died. You may feel sad, angry or agitated and find it difficult to concentrate. You may also feel guilty; dwelling on things you wished you’d said or done.

This period of strong emotion usually gives way to bouts of intense sadness and/or depression, silence and withdrawal. During this time you may be prone to sudden outbursts of tears.

Over time the pain and sadness and depression starts to lessen. You begin to see your life in a more positive light again, although it is important to acknowledge that you may not have completely overcome the feelings of loss and you will probably always miss the person you have lost.

The final phase of grieving is to let go of the person who has died and move on with your life.

• Mood swings
• Waves of emotion - feeling fine one minute and feeling terrible the next
• Insomnia
• Loss of appetite
• Lack of concentration
• Exhaustion
• Thinking about what has happened over and over again
• Imagining that you still see or hear the person you’ve lost.

Where to get help?
It can help to talk about feelings, fears, worries, hopes sadness, anger, and memories. It might be difficult to talk to someone you know; the people you normally talk to might also be upset, or you may have lost the person you would usually turn to. You may find that even your closest friends and family are uncomfortable and find it difficult to talk about the person who has died. They may avoid the subject completely - often friends and family don’t mean to be unsupportive, they just don’t know what to do or say. However, there is no reason to feel alone when somebody you love dies; there are lots of people that you can turn to for help:

• Family and friends - ask for help and support from family or friends. Chances are the person you’ve lost is a family member or from your circle of friends. Other people in your family or friends may also be mourning and will understand how you feel. Sharing your feelings will help you come to terms with your loss and cope with what has happened.
• Guidance Tutor - if the people you are closest to are not able to help, or if you don’t want to talk about what has happened with them because you feel embarrassed or think they won’t understand, you could always try talking to your Guidance Tutor, she/he may be able to refer you to someone who can help. Your Guidance Tutor should also be able to help with arranging extra time for your exams and assignments. University regulations allow students to draw to the attention of the Examination Board any significant Personal Extenuating Circumstances (PECs) that may have affected their performance and your Guidance Tutor can advise you on this. They can also offer advice should you decide to withdraw from your programme or to take some time out.
• GP - grief can present itself in physical as well as emotional ways, so it can help to see your doctor particularly if you’re feeling depressed, or if insomnia is leaving you exhausted or lack of appetite means you’ve lost a lot of weight. Your doctor may be able to prescribe you something in the short term that will help ease the physical symptoms of grief.
• Counselling - the University provides its own Counselling Service for students, if you are unable to cope or feel that no one around understands what you’re going through, a Counsellor could really help. The Counsellor’s main job is to listen, to acknowledge your feelings and to give you time to come to terms with your loss.
• Chaplaincy - the Chaplains have many years experience of listening to the bereaved. They are happy to give time to hear you talk about your loss and what it means to you. They respect your integrity and will in no way force a set of beliefs on you.
• Student Welfare Support Service - the Welfare Support Advisers can offer lots of practical support, for example, they can advise on any additional loan/grants that you may be entitled to because of bereavement. If you have to take time out of your course (usually known as 'intermitting' or 'intercalating') you should check the financial implications with a Welfare Support Adviser.
• Bereavement organisations - there are several charities that specialise in providing a listening ear to people who are bereaved. A few operate help lines that are answered by trained Counsellors, as well as organising support groups. Some organisations have online discussion forums where you can contact other people who have lost someone.